Zucchini Land

Given all of the public interest in penguins these days, between March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, and The Grudge 2, it’s only natural for people to wonder how penguins feel about zucchini. And when they wonder that, they naturally come running to me with their long lists of questions regarding penguins and zucchini.

So, to try to stem the flood of people approaching me in public with their questions, I’m putting my answers here for all to see.

Yes, penguins love zucchini. This should be obvious, but just in case it isn’t, they really can’t get enough of the stuff.

There’s the rumor about the penguins in March of the Penguins being so careful with their eggs because they thought that penguin eggs are filled with zucchini. I’m not sure about this one. It certainly makes a lot of sense, and I would be that careful with my eggs if I thought they might be filled with zucchini, but I can’t say for sure that that’s what the penguins were thinking. Neither answer would really surprise me. This one might simply not be answerable until scientists teach penguins to talk in the year 2441.

No, penguin brains are not made of zucchini. This is a common misconception about why humans find penguins so cute and fun to watch. People naturally assume that zucchini plays a role in the penguin biology in some way to draw these reactions out of us. This is untrue, it’s just that their brains have a slightly zucchini-like nature. But they aren’t actually made out of zucchini.

Penguin moviemakers sustain themselves entirely on zucchini. This is mostly true, but not entirely. They do occasionally eat foods and drink liquids that are not zucchini-based, but it is fairly rare.

I think that’s about all of them. Let me know if you had any penguin zucchini questions that I might have missed (either by assaulting me with your questions in public or leaving them in the comments below) and I’ll do my research and let you know what I find.

Until then, happy zucchini trails.

Do you realize how much I like zucchini?

If I was forced to choose between never eating zucchini again or never having sex again, I would probably have to give up zucchini. But I’m not 100% sure, and it would definitely be a hard decision.

After all, what’s the point of having sex if you can’t do it while eating zucchini? And what’s the point of living if you can’t eat zucchini?

I don’t know, it really brings up some important questions. What would you choose?

I think my cat was choking on his fluffy kitty fur or something, but then he got a strong whiff of zucchini (because, you see, I had thrown some in front of him.)

He got better right away and stopped choking to death. Zucchini saved my cat’s life.

I then proceeded to use the same piece of zucchini to keep Walt Disney fresh in his cryogenic crypt. In that case it was acting like baking soda in the freezer.

Multi-use zucchini pieces!

Has anyone ever died from poisoning from contaminated zucchini? Of course not. Zucchini’s natural defenses would neutralize any bacteria or poison that came in contact with it. This is the opposite of spinach, which, as the world has seen, is very vulnerable to death-inducing bacteria.

I’d recommend including a few pieces of zucchini in every bag of spinach to try to counteract any future contaminants. In fact, it might be a good idea just to put a little zucchini in everything that’s not already zucchini. That seems like the only sure-fire way to avoid future incidents like the recent spinach one.

Why go and pull spinach off the shelves when a few pieces of zucchini would:

• Counteract any E. coli
• Greatly enhance the flavor
• Act as a natural preservative
• Draw consumers to the bags with zucchini’s natural magnetism

Seems like an easy choice to me. Come on grocers and retailers, get with it!

I guess everyone’s seen the video where some researchers finally got access to an electronic voting machine to play with and completely took over it, adding in code to secretly change votes where it couldn’t be detected at all. The Diebold machine was even vulnerable to a virus that would spread the vote changing code to other machines.

I strongly recommend using zucchini to protect these machines. Smear some into the port that the Diebold memory card plugs into, and you’ve instantly made the machine secure against infection.

Coat the printer paper with zucchini juice and the printouts will be impossible to alter.

Let the aroma of zucchini waft throughout the polling place and all the voters will be sure to vote for the right candidates.

Yes, zucchini can save our election system, but only if we act now. Call your local governments and demand increased zucchini in the voting process. It’s not too late!

Today I was wondering if the Pope liked zucchini. Given all the uproar over his totally unzucchini-like comments, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.

It’s impossible for someone who likes zucchini to stir up as much anger as the Pope has stirred up. Zucchini lovers are loved by all humans of all races and religions. That’s just the kind of thing that zucchini brings out in people.

The Pope should definitely put some zucchini into his diet. It would cure all his current problems and make the whole world convert to whatever religion he wanted them to be. The heavens would open up and God himself would cook the Pope a nice zucchini-based breakfast in thanks.

Anyone else out there like zucchini as much as I do? I’d be very surprised if you could come close to my strong feelings about it.

If you think you like it as much as I do, prove it. If you can. If you dare.

Someone once asked me to rank zucchini on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being very poor and 10 being the best thing ever.

Come on, are you serious? Zucchini is so clearly a 10 that there’s no point in wasting any more electronic words on the subject. It’s a 10. Case closed.

Some people sometimes ask me what types of food don’t go well with zucchini.

I always give it another shot whenever somebody new asks me that. Is there anything out there that I might have overlooked that doesn’t taste good with zucchini?

I’m never able to come up with anything, though. Zucchini is so fantastic that everything tastes great with it.

• Black beans and zucchini? Terrific.
• Zucchini and ice cream? Love it.
• Caviar and zucchini? I can’t afford it, but I’m sure it’s good.
• Zucchini and raw eggs? Not my favorite, but still very tasty.
• Chocolate chip zucchini? Delicious.
• Random unidentifiable asian food with zucchini? Much improved with the zucchini.

There you have it. Everything tastes incredible with zucchini.

You know I like zucchini. I have a feeling that Lindsay Lohan isn’t the biggest zucchini fan on the planet, though. That’s probably an easy call to make, given that she’s not a big fan of food in general. But I get the feeling that even when she is forced to eat food, she doesn’t go for the zucchini.

But zucchini would really help her out. It could turn her life around, and catapult her to the top of the Hollywood A-list, practically overnight. It would return her to an attractive weight, and make her glow with that special glow that only zucchini can provide.

It would pay off all her credit card bills on its own. Zucchini is just helpful like that.