Zucchini Land

I figured out how to be the most popular house this Halloween. It was so obvious, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner. I’ll give out zucchini muffins instead of candy!

The kids will love it, because one bite of a zuchini muffin will turn them into the coolest kids in the city, able to leap tall buildings simply by using their zucchini-powered feet. The glorious taste of the zucchini muffin will also reveal to them how vile and impure their old favorites, chocolate and candy and sweets, really are. Once they see the light — the zucchini-flavored light — they will be on a spiritually pure journey to total enlightenment through zucchini.

Their parents will love it, because what parent doesn’t wish that their kid ate less sugar and more zucchini? I’ll be given endless gifts of personal jets, yachts, and diamon-encrusted lawnmowers from the rich parents who are thrilled beyond words — and straight to gift-giving — by the zucchini-inspired changes I’ll have made to their kids.

Yes, I will truly be the greatest person in the history of history for this Halloween treat. You should all get on my good side now so that you can say that you knew me back before I became the King of Zucchini Muffins and the richest man in the universe.

As fall and winter roll through the United States, and temperatures drop lower and lower, many people start wondering about the energy efficiency of their house, and whether or not their house is sufficiently insulated to keep them warm this winter. Ideally, keeping them warm without rediculous energy bills for heating their homes.

The often-overlooked key to keeping a house insulated and efficient is zucchini. This wonderous food can do many things, and insulating your house is yet another of these.

Simply mash a zucchini up into a smooth paste, and apply liberally within the walls of your house. If you already have existing insulation (e.g., fiberglass) you can simply add the zucchini paste to it. If you do not have any insulation, or you need to reduce the heat loss at a specific location, simply use the zucchini paste as it is.

As a bonus, if you are ever trapped in your house by a severe blizzard and run out of food, you can eat your zucchini insulation before you have to resort to cannibalism or eating your pets!

Last night while I was trying to get to sleep, I started thinking about safaris in Africa, and whether it would be possible to go on a safari without taking any zucchini along.

Obviously you’d need to be carrying a lot more weight around without zucchini, since any other food would require a much larger amount to make up for all the calories and nutrients that zucchini would have provided.

And then you’d need to bring some extra first aid items, since you wouldn’t be able to use zucchini paste to treat cuts and scrapes and tiger bites, and use the zucchini itself to reduce pain and as an antibiotic against infection. I’m not saying you would be using a zucchini as a bandage if you had brought them, although that should be possible, but they have so many other uses in emergency medical care that it almost seems irresponsible not to bring a few along. I think you could get by without them, you would just need to pack a lot of non-zucchini medical supplies to make up for what they would normally provide on a safari.

You should probably have extra gasoline around for the vehicles, since you would no longer have the option of squeezing the juice out of a zucchini and using that as fuel.

You’d need something else to throw at attacking zebras and other wild animals to keep them at bay.

In conclusion, I do believe that it would be possible to take a safari without bringing any zucchini along, but it hardly seems like a good idea. In fact, if you were the one organizing the safari, I’d have to think you’d be opening yourself up to a lawsuit over reckless endangerment of everyone else’s lives.

So, best to play it safe and bring a lot of zucchinis along, as always.

I had an interesting problem this weekend. My cable television picture looked terrible. Every channel had at least a little bit of snow, and some were completely unwatchable because the picture was so bad. I tried calling up the cable company, but they said it would be a week before somebody could come out to take a look at it.

I didn’t think I could wait that long, since there was a cooking show coming on in a few hours that had the chance of showing some hot zucchini action. So, I took it upon myself to fix it.

I made some fresh zucchini paste, unscrewed the coaxial cable from the back of my cable box, and liberally applied the zucchini paste to the cable and the jack on the cable box itself. Then I reconnected it, crossed my fingers, and turned on the television.

And it was great! Not only was the signal strong and the picture perfectly clear, but the shows all seemed a little better. The comedies were a little funnier, the dramas a little more dramatic, and the reality TV shows a little more real.

Thank you yet again zucchini for saving the day!

I keep waiting for world leaders to start using zucchini in their attempts to control Kim Jong-il and North Korea after their claimed nuclear weapons test. It seems that zucchini would be the obvious counter-strategy to the North Korean nuclear program, and I’m not sure why Bush and the UN keep talking about sanctions and things like that.

Maybe they don’t want to be seen as being tough on international nuclear aggression and treaty violations? Do they feel that zucchini would be too serious of a response, and maybe China or Russia would side with North Korea in the face of an international zucchini response to North Korea?

It’s hard to say, and I’m certainly not an expert in international diplomacy. But it seems like the potential downsides to using zucchini against North Korea are far less than the huge potential benefits. Kim Jong-il may be expecting a zucchini-based response, but there’s no practical way he can defend against it. Maybe everyone is taking advantage of the way he must be losing sleep over the fear of a zucchini response every night, and are using the threat of zucchini to scare him?

I guess it’s possible, but it doesn’t seem like that would be as effective as just actually going ahead and using zucchini on him. I’ll leave it up to the experts, but I’m beginning to think that they might not know all that much after all.