Zucchini Land

Apparently this past Monday was Cyber Monday, some kind of made-up holiday shopping day that’s the online version of Black Friday.

Yeah, so, whatever.

But it does sound like a lot of people did some of their Christmas shopping online on Monday, either because they’re slaves to the media or because shopping online at work on the Monday after Black Friday just seemed like the right time to do some buying.

But of all the articles I’ve read about shopping trends on that day, nobody’s talking about the sales trends of zucchinis. I’m not exactly sure what that’s all about; I know that, at least for me, the zucchini forecasts and figures are the most important part of any sales report. Who cares about Playstation or iPod sales, when we could be hearing about how many zucchinis were sold online when compared to 2005 online zucchini sales?

Is the media really that out of touch with America that they don’t see the need for thorough Internet zucchini sales figures? Well, get with it, media!

I know this note is a little bit late for Thanksgiving, and I apologize for that. If you can ever forgive me, I promise to never be late again, at least not with this specific suggestion for this specific Thanksgiving.

I know people really like to have turkey on Thanksgiving, and I can understand that. But if there was a better, more nutritious, and more fulfilling alternative out there for Thanksgiving, wouldn’t you want to know about it?

Some of you may be a little ahead of me here—and you people should sit down and stop trying to call out the answer ahead of time—and for that I apologize. I sure seem to be apologizing a lot in this post, sorry about that.

Yes, the secret turkey replacement is zucchini. Take a large, turkey-sized zucchini, put your stuffining in it, and cook it for several hours. When it’s ready (a zucchini thermometer should read around 170 degrees), just take it out, take out the stuffing, and serve with a nice zucchini gravy. If you want to include a side dish of zucchini, I certainly wouldn’t complain.

And there you have it—a Thanksgiving feast for the ages, thanks to zucchini!

I hope this useful Thanksgiving tip comes in handy for you next year, and in all future years as well. Happy belated Thanksgiving to you all!

Fred Kerber at The New York Post confuses a rotten zucchini with something bad:

The Nets win a very spirited game on the road, then come home the following night and storm the court with all the zest and energy of a rotten zucchini.

That’s exactly what the Nets did last night after Friday’s triumph in Indiana. But don’t confuse it with last week when, the night after winning a very spirited game in Washington, they stormed the court with all the zest and energy of a rotten zucchini.

I’m not sure what Mr. Kerber was trying to say. Maybe he were talking about a rotten eggplant? That would be something completely lacking in both zest and energy.

A rotten zucchini, however, has incredible amounts of both zest and energy. It’s the rotting process that gives off tremendous levels of energy–in fact, it’s enough energy to power a small city. Many small cities are currently investigating the feasibility of using rotting zucchinis to supply all of their power needs.

Good luck with your inaccurate metaphors! Don’t come looking to me to give your house power from rotting zucchinis in the future when robots roam the streets and your house has no power. Who’ll be laughing then? Probably me, because I’ll have all of the zucchini power.

Well, so maybe zucchini doesn’t literally grease any wheels of any elections, the way I so boldly tried to state in the title of this post, but that’s only because elections don’t have literal wheels that could be greased by zucchini.

But those Diebold electronic voting machines that everyone seems to be using these days, those are sure greasable with a little zucchini. I’m surprised that nobody tried to stop me from bringing zucchini into my local polling place, but they didn’t. On this past election day, I was able to walk right up to a Diebold voting machine with one whole zucchini and one jar of zucchini paste in my pocket. Yes, you read that right, I was standing there in front of the voting machine with no one watching me, with full access to zucchini.

I’m definitely not saying that I coated the innards of the Diebold machine with zucchini paste or anything like that, since that would have the effect of skewing the results in favor of my favorite candidates. The fact that my favorite candidates won is just pure coincidence.

Once again, for the record, I did not cheat the elections with zucchinis.

But really, why aren’t the polling place workers more careful about what kinds of vegetables they let people bring in with them? That was just completely careless and could have had disastrous consequences if someone with bad intentions had realized that it was possible.

We’re all lucky that the election turned out the way it did, with that kind of sad oversight against zucchini election abuse.