Zucchini Land

Ok, this is pretty easy:

Raspberry Zucchini Martini

Just take 6 ripe raspberries, and crush them into a pulpy, seedy, liquidy goo. Then take one zucchini, mash it up into the zucchini paste that’s the basis for so many wonderful zucchini recipes, and mix the raspberry goo into the zucchini paste.

In a large mixing bowl, combine five quarts of vodka with one quart of vermouth. Add in a little paprika for flavoring.

Then combine the raspberries, zucchini, vodka, vermouth, and paprika into an industrial-strength blender, and blend until the drink is fully mixed.

Garnish with an olive. Using leftover zucchini paste as a replacement for the pimento is optional, and left as an exercise for the reader. No points will be deducted if the olive is simply left intact, however. You should be feel to express your olive preferences without regard to society’s rigid olive morals or my strong preference that an olive just isn’t an olive unless it has some zucchini inside of it.

Then just drink and enjoy! You zucchini drinks will be the stuff of legend if you’ve followed these steps. You can thank me later by sending me lots of money.

Maybe you’re still a little hungover from too many zucchini drinks on New Year’s Eve, or maybe you just wish that all the stupid people that you’re forced to work with would magically leave. Whatever your reason, nobody likes going back to work after a long weekend like the past New Year’s weekend.

So I came up with a solution. This may be a big surprise to some of you, but my solution involves zucchini.

I find that if you just eat one zucchini when you wake up for work — way too early, of course — your brain will give in much easier and accept its fate of being stuck at work all day.

Then, just before you walk into the place where you work, eat another zucchini. It might be a bit of a Pavlovian training to give your brain something pleasurable first, so that it associates going to work with the brain-boosting power of zucchini. Or it might just be those magical chemicals in zucchini that affect your mood even better than the best pharmaceuticals.

Whatever the reason, eating those two zucchinis before going in to work makes it a much more pleasant experience. Coworkers seem slightly less stupid than they really are, and your boss is a little more reasonable. Everyone is pleasant, and even your salary feels higher than before.

And with your new, zucchini-improved attitude, you might be up for promotions and raises and all kinds of fun stuff like that! So eat those zucchinis before work, people!