Zucchini Land

Burger King is being sued over using trans fats:

In court papers filed in Washington, D.C. superior court, the Center for Science in the Public Interest said Burger King is the only leading restaurant chain that has not yet committed to eliminating trans fats from its menu.

“Burger King not only sells food cooked with this harmful ingredient, it does so without warning its customers about life-threatening consequences,” the suit said. “Consumers have no way to guard against the risk of consumer trans fats.”

Trans fat increases the low-density lipoprotein — so-called bad cholesterol — in food, and U.S. health officials have advised Americans to consume as little trans fat as possible.

It seems like the easiest alternative solution that Burger King could implement would be to just add large heaping servings of zucchini to every item on their menu. Not only would it cancel out the bad effects of the trans fats — essentially transforming them into essential vitamins and minerals — but it would also greatly improve the taste. Recent research indicates that it would also draw energy from your body after you eat it, meaning that it essentially has a negative calorie content.

Sounds awesome, right? So why isn’t Burger King putting zucchini in all of its food? Who knows. I think it’s all part of the global conspiracy against zucchini and it’s amazing powers, but I have trouble collecting enough information to prove that.

But we’ll see. I’ll keep eating zucchini, and we’ll just see who loses weight and lives to be 300 years old.

I’ve had a flood of e-mails, phone calls, and interview requests from inquisitive journalists wanting to know more about the deathly silence that had befallen Zucchini Land over the past two months. I have to say, I’m amazed that there are so many millions of die-hard fans who were so eager to find out where we went. I assume it’s only a matter of weeks before Alexa and all of the other Internet popularity contest sites realize that they’ve been missing out on us and all of our hyper-obsessive armies of readers, and immediately update their listings to reflect that we are, indeed, the most popular site in the galaxy.

But until then, let me address our absence.

It turns out that March and April are just bad months for Zucchini. You can grow zucchini during these months, of course, but March zucchini and April zucchini lack that powerful ingredient that allows zucchini to be used to build bridges, travel through space, increase your IQ, and just generally improve every single aspect of your life. During March and April it temporarily reverts to just a regular old piece of food. Yes, it’s still the most delicious thing you could eat, but its other powers are temporarily reduced.

That’s not to say there aren’t advantages to eating it. But without those special advantages that it loses, I find myself without the brainpower to even operate a computer, let alone manage to handcraft these intricate web posts for your reading pleasure. I was essentially just lying on the floor of my bedroom, drooling on the cat and desperately waiting for the reinvigorating and restorative power of May zucchini.

And now it is May, and the May zucchini have arrived for my eating pleasure. Which naturally leads to you all getting reading pleasure out of my writing pleasure due to my newfound zucchini-induced brainpower. Hooray for zucchini!