No Zucchini Farmers For Ron Paul
It seems a little bit late to bring this up now, and you can beat me around the head with toasters if you feel like it, but Ron Paul’s less-than-exciting showing on Super Tuesday didn’t have to happen. It was entirely his fault, but he failed to appeal to the Zucchini Grower’s Union.
You all know the tremendous powers of zucchini when it’s ingested into your body. You also know the miraculous things it can do by rubbing it on your skin, or just setting in on top of your television set. But have you ever thought about the people who can summon this magical vegetable into existence? They’re called “farmers” in common parlance, but there’s nothing farmy about them.
They wield their magic wands with the greatest of skill. They could grow zucchini out of a discarded beanbag chair. No man can stand in their path.
And yet Ron Paul refused to appeal to their softer side and attempt to win them over to his Paulian causes. With the Power of Zucchini behind him, he would never have lost! His competitors, whats-his-name and the other guy, would have been but distant memories in the dusty history books of our minds. America would have been renamed Ronpaulland, and his beaming face would shine down on us from the clouds every night.
But he spurned the zucchini farmers, and so they have spurned him. Good night, Ron Paul. I hope you can sleep tonight. I hope your tonsils don’t bother you. If they do, you might not even have the option of eating zucchini to sooth them. Such is the path of zucchini revenge.