Zucchini Land

It seems a little bit late to bring this up now, and you can beat me around the head with toasters if you feel like it, but Ron Paul’s less-than-exciting showing on Super Tuesday didn’t have to happen. It was entirely his fault, but he failed to appeal to the Zucchini Grower’s Union.

You all know the tremendous powers of zucchini when it’s ingested into your body. You also know the miraculous things it can do by rubbing it on your skin, or just setting in on top of your television set. But have you ever thought about the people who can summon this magical vegetable into existence? They’re called “farmers” in common parlance, but there’s nothing farmy about them.

They wield their magic wands with the greatest of skill. They could grow zucchini out of a discarded beanbag chair. No man can stand in their path.

And yet Ron Paul refused to appeal to their softer side and attempt to win them over to his Paulian causes. With the Power of Zucchini behind him, he would never have lost! His competitors, whats-his-name and the other guy, would have been but distant memories in the dusty history books of our minds. America would have been renamed Ronpaulland, and his beaming face would shine down on us from the clouds every night.

But he spurned the zucchini farmers, and so they have spurned him. Good night, Ron Paul. I hope you can sleep tonight. I hope your tonsils don’t bother you. If they do, you might not even have the option of eating zucchini to sooth them. Such is the path of zucchini revenge.

Some people said I was crazy to put zucchini in chocolate chip cookies. But then other people have said that bacon chocolate chip cookies were crazy, and evidence has shown that they’re clearly delicious.

So let’s move on to zucchini and bacon in our chocolate chip cookies. The result? As expected, yummy and brain-enhancing. Before I ate them I couldn’t remember a single bit of calculus from high school, and now I’m integrating and derivating left and right. You can’t stop my zucchini-powered calculus!

I think this single result speaks for itself. This is a brilliant bit of dessert that everyone should bake up for Christmas. If you do, please invite me to your Christmas dinner. I will show up and devour your cookies with all of my might (which, by the way, is incredibly mighty.)

Happy eatings!

I’ve always been a big supporter of zucchini cake, even if I can’t find any mention of it on this site to date. I’m sure that’s simply the anti-zucchini lobby invading my web site and removing posts that they feel would rock the world too greatly. Have you noticed the sudden lack of any evidence of zucchini discussion on here over the last few months? Suspicious, right? That’s what I thought.

Luckily for us zucchini supporters, the news is already spreading. It may already be too late for the government and the reset of the anti-zucchini groups to interfere. Take this post for example, all about zucchini cake. I think they managed to keep the post on the Internet (for over a month so far) by claiming that they didn’t like the cake:

I wish I could tell you that I loved this cake. Quite simply, I didn’t care for it. That being said, I should also make a point that Quinn really, really liked it. We decided that our difference of opinion could be chalked up to the heavy citrus flavor. He’s a much bigger fan of lime, lemon, orange, etc. than I ever thought about being.

As I said, this cake is indeed lovely. It is not my intention to dissuade you from making it. If you like strong citrus flavors, then dive in and make it. As for me, I think I’ll stick with some of my tried and true favorites… like chocolate.

Notice the mixed messages. It’s lovely, one person liked it, one person didn’t. I think that might be the way to trick The Bad People into leaving pro-zucchini posts around; make them look not so intensely pro-zucchini that it freaks out the rest of the country.

Now, personally, I can’t go along with that. I can’t pretend to be indifferent about zucchini. Not only does it violate my moral principles, but the anti-zucchini forces know me too well to fall for that. They’ll see through my zucchini-indifferent disguise in a second.

But for the rest of you, anonymously reading this site through Tor and hidden proxy servers all over the world so as to disguise your identities and your pro-zucchini leanings, this is a tactic you can take. Obviously you need to take all precautions possible to avoid letting anyone find out how you really feel, so any posts like these need to be written extremely carefully. Consider outsourcing your post writing to India to give an extra layer of protection.

Be safe, and be full of zucchini!

One of the downsides to being such an adamant supporter of zucchinis and their miraculous powers is that people tend to assume that I’m part of some evil secret organization that wants to replace all of the world’s leaders with zucchini.

I’d like to take this opportunity to emphatically deny that allegation. Sure, zucchini would probably be able to lead a country better than most human heads of state, but I want to see that change come about naturally through democratic processes, not through undermining of our elections or anything like that.

Obviously in some countries without George W. Bush’s great gift of democracy, military force may need to be used to place zucchinis into power. This is just the nature of government, and can’t be avoided.

But then some people see giant zucchini driving around in a car and start assuming that they’re already taking over the world. While I don’t know every single thing that goes on with zucchini, I can state with complete honesty that I don’t know of any plans to begin a world domination plot that this time.

My assumption is that gigantic zucchini and their gigantic cars are just a natural evolution thanks to the wonders of nature, and not a byproduct of evil genius zucchini scientists or anything like that.

Please take this writing to be the truth. Believe it with every piece of zucchini that you might have lodged in your brain. Do not confuse a normal zucchini with a human child, for that will only anger the zucchini gods who might rain daggers down upon your kitchen.

Thank you for changing your beliefs on this matter. Zucchini is here on this planet to help us, do not anger them.

Burger King is being sued over using trans fats:

In court papers filed in Washington, D.C. superior court, the Center for Science in the Public Interest said Burger King is the only leading restaurant chain that has not yet committed to eliminating trans fats from its menu.

“Burger King not only sells food cooked with this harmful ingredient, it does so without warning its customers about life-threatening consequences,” the suit said. “Consumers have no way to guard against the risk of consumer trans fats.”

Trans fat increases the low-density lipoprotein — so-called bad cholesterol — in food, and U.S. health officials have advised Americans to consume as little trans fat as possible.

It seems like the easiest alternative solution that Burger King could implement would be to just add large heaping servings of zucchini to every item on their menu. Not only would it cancel out the bad effects of the trans fats — essentially transforming them into essential vitamins and minerals — but it would also greatly improve the taste. Recent research indicates that it would also draw energy from your body after you eat it, meaning that it essentially has a negative calorie content.

Sounds awesome, right? So why isn’t Burger King putting zucchini in all of its food? Who knows. I think it’s all part of the global conspiracy against zucchini and it’s amazing powers, but I have trouble collecting enough information to prove that.

But we’ll see. I’ll keep eating zucchini, and we’ll just see who loses weight and lives to be 300 years old.

I’ve had a flood of e-mails, phone calls, and interview requests from inquisitive journalists wanting to know more about the deathly silence that had befallen Zucchini Land over the past two months. I have to say, I’m amazed that there are so many millions of die-hard fans who were so eager to find out where we went. I assume it’s only a matter of weeks before Alexa and all of the other Internet popularity contest sites realize that they’ve been missing out on us and all of our hyper-obsessive armies of readers, and immediately update their listings to reflect that we are, indeed, the most popular site in the galaxy.

But until then, let me address our absence.

It turns out that March and April are just bad months for Zucchini. You can grow zucchini during these months, of course, but March zucchini and April zucchini lack that powerful ingredient that allows zucchini to be used to build bridges, travel through space, increase your IQ, and just generally improve every single aspect of your life. During March and April it temporarily reverts to just a regular old piece of food. Yes, it’s still the most delicious thing you could eat, but its other powers are temporarily reduced.

That’s not to say there aren’t advantages to eating it. But without those special advantages that it loses, I find myself without the brainpower to even operate a computer, let alone manage to handcraft these intricate web posts for your reading pleasure. I was essentially just lying on the floor of my bedroom, drooling on the cat and desperately waiting for the reinvigorating and restorative power of May zucchini.

And now it is May, and the May zucchini have arrived for my eating pleasure. Which naturally leads to you all getting reading pleasure out of my writing pleasure due to my newfound zucchini-induced brainpower. Hooray for zucchini!

I admit it, I watched most of the Academy Awards last night. Sure, Martin Scorsese this and Al Gore that and blah Babel blah. Obviously, like most of you, I was watching to see if any zucchini-themed films were going to be winners. 2006 was a real watershed year for zucchini in movies, and I was hoping to see some recognition from the Academy.

But I was violently disappointed. Violently.

Not only was there not a single zucchini-themed winner, there wasn’t even a single zucchini-themed nomination! What kind of outright prejudice and bigotry is this? I thought Hollywood was supposed to be an open-minded culture, accepting of all kinds of fruits and vegetables. To see that zucchini movies were so harshly spurned made me cry all night.

I can barely even function at work today, I’m so distraught over this whole Oscars mess. I had an extra serving of zucchini for breakfast, which helped to get me on my feet and get me through the day so far, but it hasn’t been easy.

Tell me, Hollywood, what will it take to break down this glass ceiling and allow zucchini-oriented movies to finally be given the recognition they deserve? How long can you continue to pretend that they don’t exist? Eventually the zucchini lovers in America will be fed up with your lies of rejection. We can’t be ignored forever!

Bring on the zucchinis!

Ok, this is pretty easy:

Raspberry Zucchini Martini

Just take 6 ripe raspberries, and crush them into a pulpy, seedy, liquidy goo. Then take one zucchini, mash it up into the zucchini paste that’s the basis for so many wonderful zucchini recipes, and mix the raspberry goo into the zucchini paste.

In a large mixing bowl, combine five quarts of vodka with one quart of vermouth. Add in a little paprika for flavoring.

Then combine the raspberries, zucchini, vodka, vermouth, and paprika into an industrial-strength blender, and blend until the drink is fully mixed.

Garnish with an olive. Using leftover zucchini paste as a replacement for the pimento is optional, and left as an exercise for the reader. No points will be deducted if the olive is simply left intact, however. You should be feel to express your olive preferences without regard to society’s rigid olive morals or my strong preference that an olive just isn’t an olive unless it has some zucchini inside of it.

Then just drink and enjoy! You zucchini drinks will be the stuff of legend if you’ve followed these steps. You can thank me later by sending me lots of money.

Maybe you’re still a little hungover from too many zucchini drinks on New Year’s Eve, or maybe you just wish that all the stupid people that you’re forced to work with would magically leave. Whatever your reason, nobody likes going back to work after a long weekend like the past New Year’s weekend.

So I came up with a solution. This may be a big surprise to some of you, but my solution involves zucchini.

I find that if you just eat one zucchini when you wake up for work — way too early, of course — your brain will give in much easier and accept its fate of being stuck at work all day.

Then, just before you walk into the place where you work, eat another zucchini. It might be a bit of a Pavlovian training to give your brain something pleasurable first, so that it associates going to work with the brain-boosting power of zucchini. Or it might just be those magical chemicals in zucchini that affect your mood even better than the best pharmaceuticals.

Whatever the reason, eating those two zucchinis before going in to work makes it a much more pleasant experience. Coworkers seem slightly less stupid than they really are, and your boss is a little more reasonable. Everyone is pleasant, and even your salary feels higher than before.

And with your new, zucchini-improved attitude, you might be up for promotions and raises and all kinds of fun stuff like that! So eat those zucchinis before work, people!

It turns out that all of my friends are relying on me to get them completely drunk on New Year’s Eve, since I’m going to be the one mixing and serving all of the drinks. How did I wind up as impromptu bartender? I think it’s my ghostly bartender vest and defrosting eyes, but you never know.

But I now find myself with great power and great responsibility as far as making delicious and inebriating beverages. So, naturally, I turn to zucchini.

I think if I can liquify a number of zucchinis, I’ll have enough zucchini juice to add with all of the various forms of alcohol that I’m able to buy before New Year’s. I’ll be able to make Zucchini Rum and Zucchini Whiskey and Zucchini Margaritas and Zucchini Beer and all kinds of tasty, healthy, and drunk-making drinks.

I plan on being the hit of the party with my zucchini and alcohol concoctions. Even Andy Rooney won’t be able to stay away; he’ll be pounding on the front door, demanding some zucchini beer and pretzels, which will undoubtedly lead to a drunken rant about kittens on next week’s 60 Minutes. That Andy Rooney, what a card. He needs more zucchini in his diet, I think.

So that’s my New Year’s Eve plan. If you think I’m forgetting any yummy zucchini drink ideas, please let me know.