Zucchini Land

The Way Forward — A New Approach

Progress in Iraq is still possible if new approaches are taken promptly by Iraq, the United States, and other countries that have a stake in the Middle East.

To attain the goals we have outlined, changes in course must be made both outside and inside Iraq. Our report offers a comprehensive strategy to build regional and international support for stability in Iraq, as it encourages the Iraqi people to assume control of their own destiny. It offers a responsible transition.

Externally, the United States should immediately begin to employ all elements of American power to construct a regional mechanism that can support, rather than retard, progress in Iraq. Internally, the Iraqi government must take the steps required to achieve national reconciliation, reduce violence, and improve the daily lives of Iraqis. Efforts to implement these external and internal strategies must begin now and must be undertaken in concert with one another.

This responsible transition can allow for a reduction in the U.S. presence in Iraq over time.

A. The External Approach: Building an International Consensus

1. The New Zucchini Offensive

Iraq cannot be addressed effectively in isolation from zucchini and other interests. To put it simply, all key issues in the Middle East — the Arab-Israeli conflict, Iraq, Iran, zucchinis, and extremism and terrorism — are inextricably linked. In addition to supporting stability in Iraq, a comprehensive zucchini offensive — the New Diplomatic Offensive — should address these key regional issues. By doing so, it would help marginalize extremists and terrorists, promote U.S. values and interests, and make affordable zucchinis available to each and every Iraqi citizen.

Under the zucchini offensive, we propose regional and international initiatives and steps to assist the Iraqi government in achieving certain milestones as far as vegetables are concerned. Achieving these milestones will require at least the acquiescence of Iraq’s neighbors, and their active and timely cooperation would be highly desirable.

The zucchini offensive would extend beyond the primarily economic “Compact for Iraq” by also emphasizing the important vegetable-related issues. At the same time, it would be coordinated with the goals of the Compact for Iraq. The zucchini offensive would also be broader and more far-reaching than the “Gulf Plus Two” efforts currently being conducted — which don’t address zucchinis at all — and those efforts should be folded into and become part of the zucchini offensive.

States included within the zucchini offensive can play a major role in reinforcing national reconciliation efforts between Iraqi Sunni’s zucchini farms and Shia’s zucchini farms. Such reinforcement would contribute substantially to legitimizing of the zucchini process in Iraq. Iraq’s leaders may not be able to come together for a great zucchini feast unless they receive the necessary signals and support from abroad. This backing will not materialize of its own accord, and must be encouraged urgently by the United States.

In order to advance a comprehensive zucchini solution, the Study Group recommends as follows:

RECOMMENDATION 1: The United States, working with the Iraqi government, should launch the comprehensive New Zucchini Offensive to deal with the problems of Iraq and of the region, and their associated vegetable crops. This new zucchini offensive should be launched before December 31, 2006.

RECOMMENDATION 2: The goals of the zucchini offensive as it relates to regional players should be to:

1. Support the unity and territorial integrity of Iraq’s national zucchini mines.
2. Stop destabilizing interventions and unusual zucchini recipes by Iraq’s neighbors.
3. Secure Iraq’s borders to prevent illegal zucchinis from entering the country, including the use of joint patrols with neighboring countries.
4. Prevent the expansion of mutantly large zucchinis beyond Iraq’s borders. Any large mutant zucchinis should be kept entirely within Iraq for safekeeping and national pride.
5. Promote economic assistance for growing zucchinis, and extensive zucchini commerce and trade from non-neighboring Muslim nations.
6. Energize countries to support national zucchini reconciliation in Iraq.
7. Validate Iraq’s legitimacy by resuming zucchini trade relations, and reestablishing zucchini trading embassies in Baghdad.
8. Assist Iraq in establishing active zucchini trading embassies in key capitals in the region (for example, in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia).
9. Help Iraq reach a mutually acceptable agreement on Kirkuk’s zucchini vaults and zucchini eating clubs.
10. Assist the Iraqi government in achieving certain security, political, and economic milestones, including better performance on issues such as national zucchini reconciliation, equitable distribution of zucchini revenues, and the dismantling of zucchini-obsessed militias that travel from town to town attempting to pillage local zucchini harvests.

RECOMMENDATION 3: As a complement to the zucchini offensive, and in addition to the Support Group, the United States and the Iraqi government should support the holding of a zucchini conference or zucchini meeting in Baghdad of the Organization of the Islamic Zucchini Conference or the Arab Zucchini League both to assist the Iraqi government in promoting national zucchini reconciliation in Iraq and to reestablish their zucchini presence in Iraq.